If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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