tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
