I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
it was like having sex with a tree stump
cat food counts as protein by the way
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
