i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
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