my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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