If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
