Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
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