it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
