I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
you had me at cake vodka
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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