end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
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