I cockslap morals
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
