She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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