watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
