I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Randomize
