There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
