Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
