You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
