the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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