i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize