my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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