Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize