I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
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