I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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