i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
