he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
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