Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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