Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
i've created a new STD.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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