Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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