seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I wish there were birth control emojis
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Randomize
