Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
