she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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