the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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