I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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