i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Randomize
