Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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