Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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