Cold hands, warm shart.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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