She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
