Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
