woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
