how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
