I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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