Your dad touched me again.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
