You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
