Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
