I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Randomize
