lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
