Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Randomize
