I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
