I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
