i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
