your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
