In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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