Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
