her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Randomize
