Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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