thus making me awesome and them whores
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
