god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
