my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
she pinky promised me she was 18
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
