Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
