Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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