don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
