i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
