I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
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