we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
