Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
