You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
