If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize